“Niet geschoten is altijd mis.” -Johan cruijff
Ik ben dit verhaal al 20 keer begonnen. I have started this post many times. Nearly wrote the whole thing in Dutch but then most of you would not understand the story.
As always I am listening to music while writing. This is on the radio at the moment. So listen as you read the below.
This story is different. Again about a man. I would read my other posts before reading this one for some background knowledge. This is about Palmy, one of my favorite male acquiescence throughout my travels in Asia. Mainly because we spend most of our time laughing. I very much enjoyed his existence.
This is the story about Palmy, from Holland. He loved football so the beginning quote is for him. It means that if you do not shoot you cannot score. So here I go. I will attempt to shoot and see where the balls end up.
To begin with I have a question for you. Have you ever been in love? If so I want you to remember the feelings your experienced when you first saw them, first flirted, first kissed. Now forget that. This is not a love story. This story is about a friendship. The story about Casanova, Edgar, Luke and Ash is why I acted the way I did in this case. I learned a lot from them. Palmy taught me even more. He had all their good qualities.
Casanovas lady ways, but a kind version, genuine like Luke, interesting and clever like Edgar and a funny partner in crime like Ash.
Palmy wants to be alone. He is addicted to human interaction. He is here in South East Asia, for the second time. He wants to stay until the end of the year and learn to be alone.
Similarly to Casanova, he has been with a lot of women. He is afraid of sleeping alone. He regularly has vivid dreams. When he wakes up he does not know where he is.
Have you ever drank so much you black out? This is what it is like for him. He wakes up and does not recognize his surroundings. He wakes up petrified. It is called sleep anxiety.
It is common in children with emotional intensity and explosive imaginations. He told me this is why he has been so many women. If he sleeps beside a woman he does not feel afraid when he wakes up. It might sound like a ploy, something someone would say to get in your knickers but I saw this first hand. Twice.
He slept in the bed opposite me at the hostel. One day I woke up to find him curled inside his duvet, rolled up in a little ball beside me. Might sound creepy but we had slept beside each other most nights so I was not surprised. I figured he had had a nightmare. It was quite sweet really. By this point I knew him well and understood. I use to cuddle him until he would fall asleep then return to my own bed so I could sleep as I prefer to sleep alone. If you read the story of Casanova you will know why I like sleeping alone. Edgar was the first person I cuddled for a full night. It made it easier to do this with Palmy. I am reconditioning myself.
Did you know that if you cuddles/hug the same person 10 times everyday for 2 weeks you begin to fall in love with them? this is why I don’t like to cuddle. I try and to detach myself. Maybe this is why Palmy has strong feeling for a lot of people? but this is a contradiction to his own words as he told me he doesn’t feel anything. Sleeping with people is comforting to him but it means nothing to him. A lot of people are like this, it confuses me. Something i would like to know more about.
This song is in my head now and wanted to share it with you.
Anyway he said he was good at detaching himself, but I didn’t believe that. He liked being with someone, he liked the care and attention. I think this was for reinforcement. Also being Dutch there was a language barrier and it was easier for him to be around a singular person as he got tiered of talking and thinking in another language sometimes. He also liked being acknowledged and having my attention, after all he was a little like a child. I have a theory, a secondary thought but not something I will write about today. My role was similar to a mother. We had a funny dynamic, it worked. Again the opposite to the role I usually play, it’s was different. Sometimes slightly annoying, making a woman carry all the heavy stuff ey (laughs).
The experience was new, he was kind to everyone, bits of banter but mostly kind. Most of the men I am with are not like this. He trusted me and floated me when I had no money on me, I did the same back at points. We shared a lot of our things. Usually I don’t share. I was different with this one. Was confusing. We had some unluckiness but neither of us stressed, this was new too. Two relaxed individuals chilling. Usually its just me who chills. A lot of the time we spent one on one, this was because he found it hard to understand English in a big group. In the night he was tiered of thinking and talking English. Sometimes he spoke to me in Dutch, I was use to this as Marre and Casanova did it all the time.
Palmy has a beautiful mind. I know this because I spend 5 days with him in Ao Nang, Thailand. He is a curious human, likes to observe and psychoanalyses others. He studied Psychology at university as he was passionate abut learning about the human thought process. His approach to human interaction is very much like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He very subtly uses this technique with the majority of people he interacts with. I noticed him trying to do it to me. It’s something I do to others too. Made me laugh in my head, I knew I was going to get on well with him in the first hour of meeting him.
I was driving us on the moped here…I played the male role 😉
We are similar. In a lot of ways. Possibly in more ways then he realized at the time. Its the little details. Our interests in food, music and people as well as our theories about the world. I found him very very interesting. To me it was a game, don’t usually like to play but he was fun as he played back. Mind games are this thing, he likes a challenge. t was like a game of chess, but in our heads. No, it wasn’t really. He was very open and honest with me. He was hard to read but I never felt like I needed to. He told me what he wanted me to know and I respect him for this. He is a good person and does his best to make others smile.
Here is another song which reminds me of our time. We are terrible singers but enjoyed trying to sing to this.
In travel life you meet many many people who are just like you, in fact I read something recently that said at least 7 people on this planet are exactly like you, in personality or even looks. For this reason I did not read into our similarities too much and continued to enjoy our friendship. Below are some pictures of our adventures.
I feel sorry at this point. Every other time I wrote this section I was cool as a cucumber but in reality, right now I am in denial. I am sorry because this is a story about someone who was perfect in my eyes, I like him just the way he was, but at the time I felt nothing. He made me laugh a lot. But for various reasons I was not looking for anyone or anything. he wasn’t either. So it worked. When you have friends with benefits, usually one person has stronger feeling than the other. Until today I assumed it would be him but reflecting back to the experience I think that person might have been me. Usually it takes me a long time to figure out how I really feel, a week or two, in this case I have no idea yet. I don’t know what to make of it as it did not end badly nor well. It never really even begun. In my other stories there was been closure. Here there wasn’t. I don’t do goodbyes, not anymore, so I don’t know what I am supposed to feel. Casanova taught me that in situations like this we are not really friends. But he didn’t tell me what we were. In my story with Edgar I concluded we were just acquiescence. Here I have not yet made my mind up. Anyways back to Palmy.
Below are more pictures of more adventures.
He shared stories with me, some very sad, about his past relationships. He tried to remain positive but I could tell this was not easy for him. He agreed to let me share the below. it is very personal but it is his story.
Here is another song, now this one we both like because we both listened to it when we lost our first “love”. I was 15 and he was 18.
In the past he was cheated on by an ex. A year into their relationship he noticed she became very secretive, slightly detached, different. He eventually found out she was cheating on him as she had a message pop up on her phone from another man. He confronted her and after much protest she gave in and admitted she was unfaithful. He really loved her, she was studying fashion and he admired her passion for creativity. He also liked fashion. This destroyed him. He walked out and never spoke to her again. This made me sad especially as 2 months into their relationship they suspected she was pregnant, she was 19 at the time. Before they tested for the pregnancy they agreed to abort if they were pregnant as she wanted to focus on her career in fashion. She was 16 weeks along. In Holland it is legal to have an abortion until the 21st week. When he told me this he kept looking to the sky. We walked in silence for a while. His eyes would move from side to side, he did this when he was thinking. I had no words. I felt cold. Sad. Frustrated. He sighed, took and deep breath, lifted his shoulders slightly and then released them.
His attitude was very admiring, he does not think of it as a bad decision. He knew it was right for them and he let it go, left it in the past, regardless I could tell it still hurts him. How can it not.
He continued to tell me about another ex. She also had an abortion, because the baby was not his. The father ran away as soon as she said she was pregnancy. Palmy stayed with her, he accompanied her to her tests, even though it was not his he supported her throughout the entire process including the abortion.
He shared many tales, all further solidifying my vision of him being a little angel. He was so damn adorable. Not perfect though, he is cheeky, a little detached at times but he has a good heart. Either that or he is a bloody good actor. I saw two sides to him. He was this lovely happy beautiful human but he was also a very conflicted individual seeking attention, love and care.
All of the above helped me to detach myself, this man has a lot of woman as options. He could have the majority of them back if he wanted. He makes sure he keeps those doors open, that did not attract me. I like those with closed doors. I felt he was needy. Acted like a perfect gentleman but if you looked closely enough he was not quite what he seemed. Here is where I contradict myself, this is why I am conflicted, those little imperfections is what I like about him, I liked getting to know the real Palmy. The slightly heartless Palmy, the one who lived in his own world. A free spirit. Careful womanizer. I have never liked good boys, so there must be darkness in him for me to be drawn to him. I saw glimpses. It made me smile. He is still an angel, but he is not perfect.
He loves the Biber and rap so thought this was a good one. We all have that one ex that can go and fuck themselves! 🙂
He told me that when he was in Bangkok he went to a temple that had a Buddha who told you your destiny. He was told that he was like a tree, a tree that had not been watered enough, not enough rain had reached him, so he was a dry tree, but the rain is coming, it is on it’s way and when it reaches him he will blossom. He then had to ask Buddha a question. He asked Buddha if he would have children. Interpret this as you wish. We all perceive things in different ways. In my eyes I had an idea of what it meant but that’s for my mind only. You form your own conclusions after this tale.
Going back to Palmy. He is a very loving human, he wears his heart on his sleeve, he tries to make a lot of connection. I think he is looking to settle down. I got the sense that he dated a lot of people, quantity over quality hoping one of them will be the one. He told me a story. Before he came to South East Asia he had become very unhappy, one day he cried, non stop for hours. He felt empty. He has been with a lot of amazing women but he could not connect with them. With his ex he cried on her lap for hours because he thought she was brilliant, but he did not feel anything special, he did not love her. He was tiered of this I think. I said he was looking for the same feeling he had when we was with his first love. She left him for someone else, they tried to make it work after but it was never the same. He thought she was the woman he would marry but he grew out of that feeling and when they got back together, things were not the same.
Ex’s ey – here is a song about some of them and a good listen for the below section of the story.
We all want that feeling, the feeling we had for our first love. It takes years sometimes then boom!one day you wake up and it happens. For me it happened a lot of times but never lasted long. I think a lot of factors contribute to your ability to truly fall in love, you upbringing, your past relationships, your conditioning and your believes on what love is.
In my post about Edgar I changed my idea on love, in my blog about Mowgli I tell you about the detachment I had with my parents. In my post about Ash I tell you how seriously attached I became, after we ended I lost the desire to find any attachment, through my travels I am slowly finding it again. For me I am afraid of not being loved back so I try hard to detach myself and act as if I do not care. I try to only have friends now which has some sad consequences, for example my story about Luke.
For Palmy I am unsure. I know he was well cared for as a child, very loved and looked after. His relationships have not been great and he has been let down, I don’t know why thought. He is brilliant and I know any woman would be lucky to have him. Palmy is not my type, nothing like anyone I have been attracted to before but by getting to know him I am able to say that he is brilliant. I don’t have a type anymore. He says he is travelling to learn to be alone…I don’t believe this. I think he is travelling hoping to meet “the one”.
During my time with him I was frustrated. I tried to detach myself but the truth be told I was jealous sometimes, only a little, I liked his attention. I am also like a child. I did something bad, I advised him to wear an outfit which was not the most flattering, I did not want other girls to go for him. This is terrible but it made me laugh a lot. That night we wore his pyjamas out. Sorry.
I got sucked in. He does that. When you are with him you escape reality. He is very hypnotic. Just the way he looks at you. He has all these little imperfection that make him adorable. It makes him human. I laughed a lot with him. He was so happy. So full of positive energy. We did not live in the real world. We did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. I was myself around him as I did not expect anything from him. Just friendship. Something really special as I usually like men like this in a romantic way, here there were no expectations, just laughter and spontaneity. He was my partner in crime for 5 days. I think he does this a lot thought. He told me he had a 4 day first date once. I can see why.
A song to break up this lengthy post
He liked my company because my face made him laugh, whenever I was afraid or shocked or worried he would erupt with laughter. I knew where I stood with him though. He was very honest with me, about everything, at points I did not want to be detached, mostly when we laughed a lot. I really cared about this him. I wanted him to be safe and happy. A role I never usually play. I like to be looked after. He did look after me too. We were safe together. Like two children taking care of each other. Brother and sister maybe. I knew I was leaving so it made it easier not to want more from him…parts of me think maybe at points I did. We were in a bubble. I asked him to socialise with the others more too as others begun to notice. I later found out they all knew what had been going on, we were pretty obvious. But we did try to socialise and not just be Bonnie and Clyde.
Palmy is scared of a lot of things. He was not scared to admit his fears. He was scared of dogs, monkeys, jellyfish etc. It meant that we were not able to do some activities. For example, in Karbi there is a temple in the mountain with an amazing view called the Tiger cave temple. Half way up we ran into some monkeys, he was too afraid to walk past the monkeys so we walked back down and never made it to the top. He asked me never to tell anyone about that moment. But here I am, telling you.
Another funny incident was when we went to Ao Nang beach to swim, but there were jellyfish in the water who stung hard so we stayed in shallow water, we could not go out to the shore either because there was a dog there and he was afraid of the dog. During our temple visit he got mad at me because I carried the bike too near a dog, this made me laugh a lot. The more annoyed he would get the funnier I found the situation. This is what I liked. It reminded me of the good times I had with Ash.
Palmy and I also spoke a lot about religion and Psychology. He tried to Psychoanalyses me. His theory was that I am the centre of groups. That I desire to be in the middle. In control. To be the one everyone knows. He was not too far off, it is not a desire though, it just happens due to the fact I talk a lot and socialise. I like bringing people together. Not always, I did in this instance but I did it consciously, for a reason. He did not know the reason.
The last song for you. A nice ending.
Both of us are atheists. During my travels I have begun to look at the possibility of fate and destiny but truth be told I don’t believe in that anymore. I don’t believe in anything. I am in a rut. In a hole of emptiness because I am looking for meaning in everything. Palmy is too I think. That’s why he asked me to write about him.
I had written about all the adventures we shared , very detailed and open but I decided to edit them out to simplify this story. The reason for that is to protect myself. I am open, honest and most of the time meaningful but this time I wanted to forget it. I did not want to feel sad, nor have to say another goodbye. These memories will stay in my head for now. I will write about it later on in life but for now I want to let it go, otherwise I will develop feeling for a friend.
I believe in life you are in control, if you want something only you can get it, like the game of chess, your environment and things around you are pawns. I know how to play this game well. Sometimes I give up if things do not work out right away but when they do I master the game and things usually end up working well for everyone involved. In this case I think it will.
Something I noticed was that Palmy cannot empathise sometimes, he overthinks, over analyses and sometimes forgets that life is just life and people act in different ways for no particular reason. He is lucky though, he gets by in life being taken care of by others. I think it’s because he is beautiful and sweet. There is no problem with that but I am curious to know what he is like when he is angry, frustrated and upset. There is so much more I want to learn about him but have a feeling I will never find out.
In travel life you meet these kind of people. People you connect with, sleep, eat and shit with. 5 days can seem like weeks, you get to know them well, very quickly. We have both been through this many times. It becomes mundane. I cannot explain to you what I wanted nor what I thought would happen. In was fun in the moment but looking back it felt like it was just a dream. Reality meant we were going separate ways. This could have been a wonderful little love story but it wasn’t. Just two humans who enjoyed a few days together and went their separate ways.
I learned an important lesson, I do not have a type anymore. Personality trumps all and the most important characteristic I now look for in any human is kindness. Kindness is the key to all of the human capabilities. I thank him for that lesson. I hope that going forward I will only be attracted to kind and funny humans with beautiful minds. And I hope Palmy learns to accept himself just the way he is 🙂 don’t change.
There is no ending to this story, that’s why it was difficult to finish. In a few weeks we will forget each other and continue searching for meaning. I would have liked to pick his brains more to get a deeper understanding but time was not on my side.
I always tell people that if you meet someone truly amazing, someone kind and interesting then do not walk away. It isn’t often in life you meet genuine people. My question for you is what shall I do. Shall I walk away? After all he is on a journey and needs to find his treasure alone. Referring back to the story of the Alchemist, we each have to travel on our own journey to realise what makes us happy, not realise what we want. Sometimes along the way we will meet people but those people cannot give us answers only clues, we have to find the answers ourselves. One day, at some point he will be alone, truly alone and in this moment he will find peace, redemption and in this moment he will find himself.
“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”
– Soren Kiekegaard
Peace out ❤