I have avoided writing this one. Only because he never knew what I really thought about him. I am a loving person. Tend to have multiple crushes all at once, easier to dismiss them all. When I am drunk I am not loving, I do not form attachments but sober….man I like and care about people a lot and attachments happen all the time. A lot of my stories involve men. Sorry.
This song reminds me of this because we played it over and over. But not this acoustic version. Listen while reading.
I was sober when I met **Luke**. I had traveled the Laos with Marre, we had met so many wonderful people along the way. In my post about Laos I will share short stories about them.
Arrival in Hanoi
I met him on my first night in the dungeon, Hanoi Rocks, Hanoi, Vietnam. 20/02/2017. My friend was getting high with his friend. I was not talking to anyone, just observed those doing balloons and smoking, wondered what I had signed myself up for. I heard a quiet whisper in my ear, it was him, Luke. We started chatting. He is pretty intense when he speaks to you, purposefully talks quietly so you really have to listen to him. He was a potato farmer from Somerset, England. It is a real thing, I verified his story. His family owned a business, they supply potatoes to MadDonalds for their chips. I thought he was shitting me but he had photographic evidence.
Met him after I won this game.
He was my usual type, approx 6 ft 2, broad, played rugby, hard hair, relatively handsome, manly and did drugs (I don’t do drugs but seem to attract those who do). He was also 25 1992 and English. Also from Somerset, after my ex every guy I would date was from Somerset. Conincidence.
I was dubious about men at this time. Did not trust him. We spend the night talking shit, Casanova interrupted us periodically however the conversation continued. My friends were giving me the eye, before I knew what was going on they had figured it out. I am a flirt after a drink. I like to say friendly because of my Latin American background, we are all like this but in the eyes of a lot of western travelers, I am a flirt.
He was lovely. A really nice guy. Didn’t seem to have much confidence but that could have been because he smoked so much weed. He was a little paranoid.
I wrote a long detailed explanation but it really isn’t that interesting. To summerise we went on some “mate dates”, explore museum together, worked out together, had good conversation, went for a romatic little dinner date….with a group…but you had to be there to udnerstand what I mean. People were even taking pictures of us. We were branded a couple 😳.
This carried on over a few days. He was really nice. Calm, relaxed. Different from all the messes I have got myself involved with. I could not really believe his intentions were good. Thinking back he was a gentleman, did eveythign by the book. I am just an idiot.
The night before I left he told me how he felt, what he thought and asked if we would go anywhere. I told him I did not trust the situation. At the time he had inhaled a lot of balloons and smoke a shit ton of weed. He told me he didn’t know what else he could possibly do to make me believe him. I didn’t want this drama in my life. I longed for the moment they called out Sapa so I could just leave. Marre and I had booked a bus to leave. I wanted to be free. He tried to leave me alone but he always came back. He could tell I was conflicted. I told him my mind was a mess. At the time Casanova was still in the hostel, I thought it was best for me to keep myself to myself out of respect. I was an idiot.
The goodbye was difficult. I could sense disappointment. I knew I was disappointing. He had tried hard to get me to relax. I told him I thought he was just trying to get laid. God damn! I had no confidence in myself at this point. Bloody French dude!! he just shook his head and looked at the groud. He was fed up of trying to prove himself.
He did kiss me, once. I pulled away. He then hugged me goodbye and left. I never saw or heard from him again. All I have is a name. Nothing more.
Out of all the people I have met out here I felt he was the most genuine. A really nice guy who meant well. He did everything by the book. Was kind to me, was my type, made me laugh. I did not come to Asia to find nor be with men. I came to be free but I do regret not getting to know more about this one. I would like to say maybe in another life but truth be told I want to meet him again in this life.
I don’t think I will ever see him again. I would like to but it’s too late. I missed my chance. Things happen for a reason right? well this doesn’t feel like it should have happened. I made a mistake. It came to bite me in the arse and I made some errors after this. After Sapa I could not enjoy Hanoi as much as I had priviously had. Somethign was missing.
This song just came on my YouTube playlist so I will end with this:
By the time I figures out that I liked him I was in Sapa hiking and it was too late. Since then I have not developed strong feeling for anyone, I am numb to most men now. It’s all the same shit. I don’t want anyone. Just want to live in the tranquility of being single and unattached. I lie. I did develop a few other crushes. But they were just crushes which I knew were not healthy, but I tend to end up with people I know I can’t have, makes it easier to walk away. They were not like this. Well fuck sake. There may be a couple who I would like to know more. But it’s travel life. You meet so many. Hard to pin point which ones you may actually see again. Luke was easy, he was from the same country. There was a possibility there.
March 11th I met a lookalike. Was drawn to him purely for the similarities, but watched him hit on every girl before he came at me. Was easy to walk away as he was not the same, but for some odd reason hurt me to watch him hook up with others. There was another kind of look alike. His name was Alex. His story comes later.
Anyway. This post was more for myself. I don’t want to forget this one because I don’t want to make the same mistake again. If you meet someone amazing and kind just go for it! I still had Casanova and Ash on my mind but they were in the past for a damn good reasons. This guy was not like them. I let an amazing person go and for that I am sorry.
Peace out! ❤️