Knackered. Drained. Bored. That’s how I felt on the day I left he UK for good. Bangkok was a blur, Chaing Mai is another story, but Pai. Now, my life in Pai was not real. A figment of my imagination? Yes. It was a figment of my imagination induced by magic mushrooms.
Pai Circus Hostel.
My experience was similar to what I imagine Ayahuasca being like, a lot less intense of course. I have taken psychedelics before, LSD, but it was nowhere near as intense as this. On LSD there were coloured wires lit up and moving all over the place, it was hard to move or swallow and words were floating on the walls. I could not finish a thought and all my creative ideas stopped. It felt like my normal life to be fair, but time took longer to pass and my ability to process information was impaired.
Just to be clear. I do not take drugs. Ever. I have tried a couple. Smoke weed from time to time but I am a good girl.
Mushrooms. Sunset bar. The beginning.
These particular shrooms were not normal, in my eyes. They were strong, intense, perhaps I had too much? I tripped hard. Very bloody hard.
I meet Kira in Bangkok, we traveled together through northern Thailand to Pai. I met Rob, Tom, Kat and Dee in Chaing Mai. We joined forced in Pai. All at Pai circus hostel. A little tip, get a cabin, wasn’t much but enough for our little shroom family.
We hung out, talked shit, swam in the pool, drank etc. One afternoon Rob and myself lost the team, we are directed towards a strange field heading to sunset bar. It was pitch black, the roads were nonexistent, felt like we were trekking through jungle, well I am short and the grass was bloody long. We eventually get to our destination, pay 500 Baht, take some sips, my first thought were “fuck this shit, it’s just iced tea” so we down the whole thing in one. Nothing happens, so we walk back to the hostel to watch the fire show…suddenly boom!
We are walking past a group of lads, no one is talking, they look at us, we look at them and I hear a voice far in the distance saying “yeahhhh”. The odd thins us that no ones lips are moving, it is as if the sound came from another frequencyt which we could not see. After what felt like a year I realised the sounds was coming out of my mouth. A long drawn out “yeahhhh”. We all look at each other and erupt in laughter, we all knew what was happening, without words we were communicating. This is why I came to love shrooms.
My shroom family.
We sit to watch the fire show, the anxiety sets in. For some reasons I cannot explain, I needed to be behind Rob. I needed to be touching Tom. I need to get away. I move to the tricks area (grassy bit), I can’t breath, my lungs feel like they are collapsing, I want to vomit, I try with all my might to make myself vomit. All I could think was ‘fuck!’ ‘please”make it stop’. I had already lost control of my thoughts. I lay in my cabin, staring at the walls, petrified. There were snakes all over me, sliding up my arms, then there were bugs inside of me, I was coughing them up, they were crawling under my skin. It did not feel like hell, it felt like an opening, to something I had never seen before.
The other tried to be with me, they didn’t want to leave me alone but I had to be alone. The little people in my head were moving blocks. Gave me one to open. After I saw what was inside I understood everything. Everyone. Accepted everything. Haha the messes in my head were fixed. No longer felt sad or angry or hurt. Felt bloody brilliant. Said goodbye to those I never saw again, forgave those who did me wrong and was happy for those who left me. Also saw brilliant memories, ones I had taken for granted. There are parts I am not telling you. Things I saw, demons I spoke to, epiphanies I had. Things which should never be spoken about again. Dub FX – Fly with me was playing. Was guided into an amazing trip.
The next 5 hours I joined the mushroom family. We connected on another frequency. Everything was funny. Beautiful. Cool. Exciting. We spoke to trees, saw shapes, elephants and just had a good time. I loved these humans. All 6 of us together, with pure and genuine intentions. I loved them all, it was special. Each one of us had a very different story. No words were needed. We shared something that night I will not experience again. I will always remember them.
My funniest memory is of us all looking at each other. Happy, relaxed, tripping and Rob, who sat in the middle of us (in my trip he looked like a slug) asked if we should make a baby…we all looked at each other. Paused to think for a moment. Looked at each other and went for it…haha joking, we were dead serious and at all once said no!! 😂🙈. Tom was my safety net. Every time I touched him I felt safe haha we all did. Tom always had his shit together. He was the group leader 😂 Dee was funny, everything she said was funny. Kat want mama bear, she wanted to keep things tidy. Kira appeared as a monster to me haha I was afraid when she smiled. Kira was special thought, we were in it together. We lay in bed just looking at everything and asking each other why we were doing this.
I gained an understanding that day. I knew now why some people are the way they are and I accept that we all have different realities. I always want more from life, that night I opened my mind further. The next few months I opened more boundaries. The French boy. Now my story with him is frustrating. A lot of people cannot comprehend why I did what I did. In my next post I will tell you about him.
Peace out ❤